Sometimes

Sometimes, what's wrong blooms

and it doesn't stop-

Sometimes the pain persists

and you can't get away,

and all you can do

is let it wash you over,

get pulled in again and again,

break on the waves like water,

shouldering the ground with every turn,

and again, and again,

and again, and again,

and again,

until you don't know why your heart won't stop

Dread

 I'm grappling with what is literally existential dread, I think.

I have a medical device implanted that makes me a cyborg. Which in a sense is RAD. But, in another sense is a worry, because that device can break down and stuff or malfunction. Which it never really has, they've had to tune the programming on it, but they've basically got it down, and it's been trouble-free for me for years. And it literally keeps me alive; if I didn't have it, I would pass out, and it feels like only a few of those before I could die from it. 

So you've probably guessed the exact nature of it, making all this I'm doing to hide the specifics useless! But I tried, kind of.

I've got a procedure in the morning, and I'm scared.

I am trying to look away from the idea that I might not come back. Something might go wrong, they might pull something a little too far and cause a bleed that they can't easily go fix, or can't fix at all, any number of things could go wrong, and in the end, they're very sorry, they're so sorry for our loss, but he didn't make it. 

But I've been thinking of things like, what if I don't come back, what all does that mean. 

I've been trying consciously to avoid things that, in retrospect, will be especially poignant if I don't. I don't want to leave behind 'famous last words', or give anyone I leave behind any reason to hurt later. It will already hurt more than enough, I don't want to leave any weapons lying around that people who will be hurting can use to hurt themselves with even more. Especially, I don't want people to say, "it's like he KNEW."

That's something I want to say here: I didn't know. I'm writing all this because I'm afraid it could happen, and it's a very real possibility that it could happen, so I'm trying to be a little proactive, or at least just witness the fear, I think. Maybe that's a reason I'm writing & publishing this, on a blog no one will read, but they could, it's online at least.

It's a pretty lonely place to think about all this stuff. And also, to deliberately not tell the people I'm closest to because I don't want them burdened with it, or to think about it, anything that might hurt them.

I love them. 

Just in case something does happen, I love you both so much. You are the most important things in my whole world, even if I haven't always made you feel like you are. You Are. I love you both so much and I will never stop. And I'll see you when you get here: there is no way all this creation was not made on purpose, and I have to believe I'm Somewhere if I'm not there. I do believe it. I tell you explicitly, I do believe there's a God, and that He told us about Himself, and He was truthful. I love you so, so much. You know that He and I love you and want you to live as hard as you can. 

I LOVE YOU.

-Jeff

Skyrim review, by the wordsmith British Broadcasts

You gotta read this. :)

Via Steam user British Broadcasts, click name to visit his profile. I sure hope he works as a writer.

I was stacking books on a shelf in my house in Whiterun, one of Skyrim's major cities, when I noticed a weapon rack right beside it. I set a sacrificial dagger in one slot, an Orcish mace in the other. They were on display for nobody but me and my computer-controlled housecarl, Lydia, who sat at a table patiently waiting for me to ask her to go questing. The chest upstairs was reserved for excess weapons and armor, the bedside table for smithing ingots and ores, the one next to the Alchemy table for ingredients. I'd meticulously organized my owned virtual property not because I had to, but because tending to the minutia of domestic life is a comforting break from dealing with screaming frost trolls, dragons, a civil war, and job assignments that never seem to go as planned. It's even a sensible thing to do; a seemingly natural component of every day existence in Skyrim, one of the most fully-realized, easily enjoyable, and utterly engrossing role-playing games ever made.

Part of what makes it so enjoyable has to do with how legacy Elder Scrolls clutter has been condensed and in some cases eliminated. In Skyrim, there's no more moon-hopping between hilltops with a maxed out Acrobatics skill. That's gone, so is Athletics. The Elder Scrolls V pares down the amount of skills and cuts out attributes like Endurance and Intelligence altogether. There's no time wasted on the character creation screen agonizing over which skills to assign as major. You don't assign major and minor skills at all, but instead pick one of ten races, each with a specific bonus. High Elves can once a day regenerate magicka quickly, Orcs can enter a berserk rage for more effective close-range combat. These abilities are best paired with certain character builds – the High Elf regeneration is useful for a magic user – but don't represent a rigid class choice. Major decisions don't need to be made until you're already out in the world and can try out magic, sneaking and weapon combat, emphasizing first-hand experience over instruction manual study, letting you specialize only when you're ready.


It contributes to the thrilling sense of freedom associated with life in Skyrim. Do a quest, kill a dragon, snatch torchbugs from the air, munch on butterfly wings or simply wander while listening to one of the best game soundtracks in recent memory. Despite the enormity of the world and the colossal amount of content contained within, little feels random and useless. Even chewing on a butterfly wing has purpose, as it reveals one of several alchemical parameters later useful in potion making at an alchemy table. Mined ore and scraps of metal from Dwemer ruins can be smelted into ingots and fashioned into armor sets, pelts lifted from slain wildlife can be turned into leather armor sets, and random books plucked from ancient ruins can trigger hidden quest lines that lead to valuable rewards. Skyrim's land mass is absolutely stuffed with content and curiosities, making every step you take, even if it's through what seems like total wilderness, an exciting one, as something unexpected often lies just over the next ridge.

Many times the unexpected takes the form of a dragon. Sometimes they're purposefully placed to guard relics, sometimes they swoop over cities and attack at seemingly random times. In the middle of a fight against a camp of bandits a dragon might strike, screaming through the sky and searing foe and friendly alike with frost or flame. Momentarily all on the battlefield unite, directing arrows and magic blasts upward to knock down the creature, creating impromptu moments of camaraderie -- a surprising change from what may have been yet another by-the-numbers bandit camp sweep. Dragons show up often, their presence announced by an ominous flap of broad wings or an otherworldly scream from high above. The scale and startling detail built into each creature's appearance and animations as it circles, stops to attack, circles again and slams to the ground makes encounters thrilling, though their predictable attack patterns lessen the excitement after a few battles. In the long run they're far less irritating than the Oblivion gate equivalent from The Elder Scrolls IV, can be completed in a few minutes, and always offer a useful reward.


Killing a dragon yields a soul, which powers Skyrim's new Shout system. These are magical abilities any character can use, you don't have to specialize in spell casting to slow time, throw your voice, change the weather, call in allies, blast out ice and fire, or knock back enemies with a rolling wave of pure force. Even if you favor sword, shield and heavy armor and ignore magic entirely, you'll still be able to take full advantage of these abilities provided you find the proper words – each Shout has three – hidden on Skyrim's high snowy peaks and in the depths of forgotten dungeons, serving as another reason to continue exploring long after you've exhausted the main quest story, joined with the Thieves Guild, fought alongside the Dark Brotherhood, or thrown your support behind one of the factions vying for control of Skyrim.

Not only is this land under assault by dragons, long thought to be dead, it's also ripped in two by civil war. You can choose one side or the other, but so much of the allure of Skyrim is how, even outside of the confines of quest lines, the embattled state of the world is evident, and steeped in a rich fictional legacy. Lord of the Rings this is not, but with the release of every Elder Scrolls game, the fiction becomes denser, and the cross-referencing for long-time fans all the more rewarding.

Skyrim's residents are all aware of current events. They'll comment on the civil war, some sympathizing with the rebels, others thinking the establishment sold its soul. The peasants complain about the Jarls who control each settlement, the Jarls complain about the rebels or foreign policy, the overprotective College librarian complains when I drop dragon scales all over his floor; many characters feel like whole, distinct personalities instead of vacuous nothings that hand out quests like a downtown greeter hands out flyers for discount jeans. Characters stereotype based on race, they double-cross at even the slightest hint it might be profitable, and they react to your evolving stature within the world. It makes a ridiculous realm, filled with computer-controlled cat people and humanoid reptiles, demon gods and dragons, feel authentic, like a world that existed long before you showed up and will continue to exist long after you leave.

It's late again, but this is beautiful

The following are some of the most beautiful, hope-charged verses I have ever heard in a song:

This city doesn't know what's coming,
She doesn't feel the heat
This city won't know what hit her,
What knocked her out into the street
This city's thinking that it's over,
She's already fast asleep
But I'm breakin' out of here tonight,
I AM, I AM, I'M READY!

We're given only what we need,
Only the chance to survive
And even then, it's a coin toss,
A roll of the dice
There's gotta be somethin' better,
Somethin' that feels more alive
So, I'm breaking out of here tonight,
I'm breaking out of here

You gotta feel it, girl,
Feel the wind pick up
It feels like somethin's gonna change
(Somethin's gonna change)
There's no use putting it in drive if all the wheels are stuck
There's somethin' wrong with us
(Somethin's wrong with us)
Like this whole city wants to scream,
But no one makes a sound

You gotta feel it, girl,
(Somethin's wrong with us)
So, I'm gonna find out what it is,
And I'm gonna tear it down

The engine's running, baby,
We don't have time for goodbye
I know you can't come with me,
I see that look in your eye
So, kiss me fast, 'cuz there's no time to lose,
Leave the light on, I'll come back for you,
When everything is said and done,
I swear I'm gonna make it right,
'Cause I'm breaking out of here tonight!

And I'm so tired of giving up,
I am so tired of giving in
You wake up knowing things should change,
Not knowing where to begin,
This city won't say where she's going,
She won't speak of where she's been,
But I'm breaking out of here tonight,
Break out...

(Ooh, don't turn your back on the city)
(Ooh, don't turn your back on the city)
(Ooh, don't turn your back on the city)
Say a prayer for all the children still sleeping
(Ooh, don't turn your back on the city)
Say a prayer for all the fathers who still remember
(Ooh, don't turn your back on the city)
Say a prayer for all the girls who learned to stand up!
(Ooh, don't turn your back on the city)
Say a prayer for all the boys who won't surrender!

Sometimes I just wanna drive until the streets run out,
I wanna burn until there's nothing left to burn about
This city's waiting for a better day,
When I get back, there will be hell to pay,
If I'm the only one that's left, I will not be afraid to fight!
And I'm breaking out of here tonight!

(from Breaking Out by The Protomen)

Late

It's late, and my head hurts, which makes it hard to think. There's so
much to do, and so little time to do it in. There's so little money.

There never seems to be a break. Just falling asleep feels like work.

But some things are better, the overall sum is positive. It feels like
a constant escape across borders, from danger to danger, struggle to
struggle, but the overall elevation has increased.

Things are so much harder to plan now, because there are so many
unknowns. Too many factors that can't be eliminated. And the overall
sum is positive, but there's an impending balance coming, and I
constantly worry that I'm taking it too lightly.

I wish I deserved the life I thought I did. I wish we were farther
ahead than we are, just like we planned to be. But wishing doesn't
change the future or the present, it just hurts.

It would be easy to say that age killed these hopes, but that's not
true; they're still alive, tears unmoving down their cheeks, looking
away in silent protest. At least that's what I feel like doing.

Something mean and vindictive in me wants to call this growing up, but
there's too much venom, too much oppression and callous hate in that
idea. I'll always be full of vehement opposition to that, as long as I
have any sense of justice in me at all. I'm already there, I'm up. I'm
only going to get older from here. There never was a line, some haptic
bump that marked the passage from child to adult in my thinking, or if
there was it happened too early for me to realize. So, it's not
growing up. It's more like the removal of possibilities.

I won't die in this town. I won't live here. I can't raise our
children here. I can't. But like most unfortunate things, the whole
decision is crippled by the lack of money.

But don't mistake me, I'm not plaintively offering this up as some
tragedy to be mourned over. This is more a declaration of war. It is
plaintive, in a way; it should be a statement haunting in it's
insistence, a forboding that sends trembles up the spine.

I won't sentence us to stay in this place, and I don't care what I
have to do to stop it.

I still have hope for the future. I don't think there's any way that
God plans for us to stay here. And I feel secure in asking Him for His
will. I feel a sort of military solidarity, an immobile sureness about
it.

And because I feel it there, hard as marble, I am a little afraid.
There is always a chance. God is love, but He is stronger than I am,
and I can only hope that He doesn't mean to teach me a lesson, to
break that which feels so unbreakable. Because I'm so afraid of how
fragile I'd be without it.

 

THIS is the coolest thing I have seen on an MMO website, ever. :D

 

Once you click the Registration button on the main page of Runes of Magic (http://us.runesofmagic.com), you get a standard Registration page with the standard steps. They want you to pick a login username, a password, pick your country, subscribe to the terms, and that's it.

 

But this is the first MMO website I've ever seen that has the boxes in order, one right after another, on the TOP of the reg form, so you can speed through it!

 

Forgive me for gushing over this, but this is just the most intuitive MMO site feature I think I've ever seen. :D Bravo, guys!

Hi, Dad.

Hey, Dad. I miss you.

I wish I could have known you better. It seems like it was only a little while ago when I heard you had passed away, in a little rehab place in Texas. They said that you had been doing great, that you were a big help around the place, that you had been clean for a long time.

I wish you had thought of me! I wish you had tried to contact me. You remember your dad-in-law? He would've had a number for Mom, you could've gotten a message through to me somehow.

If you'd tried, you'd have found out that I was huge into the Internet; I had a username on every major IM service, and like 6 different email addresses at any one time. We could have talked, we could have shared new technologies as father and son! We could have talked about games, about phones, about the Internet.. We could have learned programming languages together, we could have competed, we could have partied up in some MMO somewhere! I could have had so many good times with you, even if only online!

We would have had such a special relationship, one that I wouldn't have had with anyone else, one that I would have kept so near and dear to my heart for years and years, one that I'd never ever forget about or let slide, one that I'd constantly work at and grow!

I want to talk to you, I want to listen to you. I want to hug you, and feel your whiskers scratch my cheek. I want to smell your hair. I want to shake your hand, and arm-wrestle you. I want you to tell me when I'm messing up, and what I should do, even if I don't want to hear it. I want you not to like my music.

I want you to see my brother all grown up, and his new little baby boy, who is the cutest baby I've ever seen, even with his one arm. I want your eyes to shine when you look at him and play with him. I want you to meet my beautiful wife, and talk to her, see how smart she is, and tell me how pretty she is in a whisper when she leaves the room. I want to go to a store every year and pick out the perfect Christmas gift to give you. I want to email you about every interesting news story I find, and every funny lolcat I see-my wife is so good at making those!

I want someone to play games with. I want someone to talk to, to give me advice, and chastise me when I'm wrong. I want someone to push me to finish school. I want someone who loves me unconditionally, so I don't feel like I have to bend over backwards to earn the approval of every peer group I come in contact with.

I love you, Dad. I miss you so much. Are you in heaven? Will I get to see you and talk to you when I get there? Nothing would make me happier!

Oh, God, I miss you so much. I'm so sorry for what you did. I don't understand why you left me here alone! I missed so much of your life, and you missed so much of mine!

I MISS YOU. I loved you, and I'll always love you. I love you SO MUCH, and I miss you, Dad. I can't wait to see you again.

I love you, and I miss you. Goodnight, Dad. Merry Christmas.

The Windows Mobile rant

Wrote this some time ago, but I still feel this way. I've been using my old Windows Mobile 5 touchscreen PDA phone (Samsung i730) for about three months now, and it's good and bad...

I've done it for half a year now, and I'm tired of it.

I am giving up my new Windows Mobile smartphone, my Verizon Wireless smt5800. Probably selling it, in fact.

Why would I do this? There are a few reasons.

1. The availability of decent games.
Before I had any PocketPC phone, I had an LG VX7000. This was right before Verizon's VCAST service debuted, and this phone was one of the last high-end phones they made without the service.

I used to buy one or two games every month for my device using Verizon's Get It Now application. I didn't worry too much about space on my phone, though it was very limited, to be sure. If I chose to download a new application or game, and my phone didn't have enough space, automatically Get It Now would remove the local content for one or two existing applications on the phone. Those apps were not gone; they still appeared in the list, in fact. But in order to run them, I'd have to redownload the content, which was free.

So it was definitely more convenient than juggling license codes. But that's not the only reason. The GAMES AVAILABLE through that service were just about amazing.

Here's a brief rundown on some of the most appealing games still available for my OLD phone, the VX7000 I got about four years ago:

Sonic the Hedgehog, VZW Chess, Frogger, Namco's Pac-Man, Tetris Mania, Scene It?, Dig Dug, Ms. Pac Man, Castlevania: Order of Shadows, SimCity (Used to have it, was AMAZING on my phone), Worms 2007, Might and Magic 2 (the original was so great), God of War: Betrayal, Doom RPG (played most of it, it was great), Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, Paperboy, Insaniquarium Deluxe (I don't care if it's casual, it's still addicting), Metal Slug M3, Sims 2 Connected Edition, Guitar Hero 3, Solarola, Metal Gear, Age Of Empires 3, Puzzle Quest: Warlords, Sega Columns Deluxe (actually Columns and Puyo Pop), and this is all not to mention the fact that I still have Ys 1 & 2 on this phone, which is no longer available.

Are any of these titles available in some capacity on Windows Mobile or Smartphone platforms? Well, some are: Pac Man, Ms. Pac-Man, Dig Dug, and that's all I can think of off the top of my head. So, that's what, 10% of the titles available on my old phone?

Let's say those few games available for smartphone are all I'm interested in; let's say I'm not the semi-hardcore gamer that I am. This brings me to my next point:

2. Games: Price

This is the secret behind all those PDA phones on the market.

With Get It Now games, available now on most Verizon phones, there is a bit of a strange pricing scheme. Two prices are offered for most titles, one for an "unlimited" license and another for a "subscription" license. The features for each are identical, the programs aren't different in any way. The difference in the license merely refers to the payment scheme used to use that program.

A single game might cost $5.99 for Unlimited, or maybe $2.99 for Subscription. If you know you love the game, and want to buy it for keepsies, click on the Unlimited license. You pay a one-time fee of $5.99 on your next bill, then the application's yours, you never pay for it again. As long as you don't remove it totally from your phone (cancelling your license for it), it doesn't even have to take up space on your device; if you need the space it takes up, your phone will delete the local content, keeping the license intact, as explained above.

If you're not sure about a game/app and you just want to try it out, or you don't think you'll keep it long enough to warrant buying it Unlimited, you can purchase it for the Subscription price, which is usually about half of the normal price (or less). With this model, you'll pay $2.99 on your next bill, and $2.99 a month after that for every month you keep the program on your device. That provides kind of a protection against crappy games or all-but-nonfunctional apps; if you're not sure, pay the lower subscription price, and if you hate it, delete it; you've only spent $3 rather than $6 to find that out. Sure, it's not as good as a free demo, but it's a start. For mobile games that are beatable, if you can beat them in a month, you can get away with paying the subscription price for what is essentially the full game. I did this with the first Might and Magic title, actually, and loved every minute; that's a great mobile game, and deserving of every accolade it receives.

Here's the most important part of this: Average game price for Get It Now titles is from $5-7 Unlimited, $2-4 Subscription.

Average price for games on Pocket PC/Smartphone (Windows Mobile) platform? $20.

That's right. Same basic content, FAR more limited selection, MORE THAN DOUBLE the average price. The only redeeming factor with PPC/SP software is that most programs or games DO come with free trials, which are usually extremely limited; they're either missing some crucial feature found in the full version, time limited to work for an extremely short period of time like 3-5 days, or BOTH at once. Also is the fact that, even if a program is purported to work 100% with your flavor of Windows Mobile, there's a chance it doesn't work at all on your device.

This is the thing that drove me away. I could live with the reduced software catalog, if lots of the better programs were free or very cheap. I could live with the disadvantages of carrying a Windows Mobile device over a normal phone, of which there are many from where I sit. I could even live with the need to reformat my phone once a month, which is totally rediculous for a handheld device.

But I can't live with $20-30 games for a phone.

For these reasons, I am listing my smt5800 smartphone on Ebay. I can get at least $200 out of it selling it there, I believe, even in its used condition, even with the slight scratches on it. For a phone, I will use my still-working VX7000, which I love. For a PDA, I will use my old i730 with the phone radio turned off, running Windows Mobile 5 with a fast 520MHz processor, accessing Internet with a built-in wifi antenna.

I hate to do it this way. I don't want two seperate devices. I'm all about convergence, wherever it may be found. I BELIEVE in the possibilities of a combination cell phone & data device; I'm still excited by the prospects of the upcoming Android platform, as well as the possibilities offered by the recent unlocking of iPhone development tools.

But I've been locked out by software pricing geared to the super-rich, and selection that caters to only the most casual gamer. I've been beaten down by exhorbitant $45-a-month data plan pricing by my carrier, and their physical removal of other data options (wifi) that are present on other iterations of my phone. I've had it with the hangups, the slowdowns, the ignored taps and button clicks, the crashes, the frequent reformats, and the cell-phone-side inadequacies of Windows Mobile in general.

Therefore I am relinquishing my new device, purchased all of four months ago, and moving to what I honestly believe is a better way of doing things. I came to Windows Mobile for the freedom, the possibilities, and what looked like greener pastures; it was a great heartbreak to me to learn that the possibilities are ignored, the freedom is all but free, and the pastures are actually much greener back where I started.

Adeiu, Windows Mobile. Sorry it didn't work out.

I am so tired.

I am tired, but i'm not going to let that stop me.

If you see an occaisional misspelling or capitalization error, reference the title. Silly rabbit, no one reads this blog!

I woke up last night at 2:30am or so, and didn't go back to sleep until I made myself do so at 6. I then had to get up at 7:15 to barely make it to work on time, which I did, to my surprise. :) Had a fairly uneventful day. Like a typical nerdly, I had to play with new toys in entirely inappropriate situations, which lead me to use the new invitation Evernote 3 beta Windows client to take all the notes for an important software meeting. Speaking of which, now I have to log in and check on it, because I am somewhat of a jittery person.

Now I have to go open Scrybe, because it made me think of it.

And now I'm back. Evernote online is kinda like Scrybe without the calendar, which actually may make it a little less valuable. Although, Evernote has what seems to be superior tagging and search capabilities, especially image search stuff. But I think it was Scrybe that first introduced us to the concept of web clipping.

The world feels like it's happening to someone else. Everything is slower-moving than normal. Sounds don't seem to have any definition; everything sounds like a new CD, mastered into a dynamic flatline.

I read the news today, oh boy
About a lucky man who made the grade
And though the news was rather sad
Well, I just had to laugh
I saw the photograph

Things have been coming down from the rafters. The world roars, the buildings groan as they lean into the wind. Rain flings itself with abandon at the windows. Ten inches of rain is unheard of in these parts..

He blew his mind out in a car

Somewhere, there's a boy, and he's crying. He sobs as his eyes run down the grooved channel on the side of a dull black pistol. He knows there are ten bullets in the clip, and that not a one will look the same after it has been used as before. Bullets are beautiful at first; the machined grooves shine with a warm, brassy glow. The casings look like gold.

He didn't notice that the lights had changed

I am a police officer. Whatever else I want to be, first, I am a cop. My job is to stop evil people from doing unfortunate things to the innocent. I was at a woman's house earlier, I almost lost it. Her husband was both drunk and coked out of his gourd, and he had been whipping her with an extension cord. Her nose was purple, one of her eyes was bleeding from the bottom lid when we got there. We pushed him into the car, behind the bars, and he wouldn't look at us, or at her. She fought us as we did, and spit on us when he was safely inside. It took everything in me, much more control than I thought I ever had, not to physically knock her out with a single punch for her stupidity..

A group of people stood and stared

Something was there, that couldn't be contested. Some people thought it was some animal, crawled down into the sewers and lived forgotten for years before struggling back up to the surface. Some people said it wasn't real, some kind of ghost or something, even as others poked its obviously solid body with a stick. Some even said it had been a child once, or an alien, or both. But the fact was that the guy, the college-looking kid with the beard, had actually watched it pull itself desperately out of a storm drain and crawl pitifully to the curb before it stopped moving with a high-pitched sigh..

Nobody could really tell if he was from the House of Lords

The Cloth of Sacrament goes up, over the head, drapes on the back of the chair. The robe unbuttons behind the neck, and goes on the wooden hanger to hang in the tiny cedar closet. The skullcap just pulls off, and hangs on the back of the chair. The necklace goes into a small drawer in the closet, the talisman to be stored away for the next service. It depicts a goat's head with a knowing smile, tiny ruby eyes set in pewter sockets. The ritual complete, it's time to eat a Ding Dong or two and drink a tall glass of cold, whole milk..

I'd love to turn you on

I kneel in a closet. No one knows I do this. Well, I say that, but He knows. He and I alone share this secret. I don't let my left hand know what my right is doing. My knees hurt, but that's hardly a poor trade. I know what I'm doing is right. I know what I'm doing is beautiful to Someone, and I do it alone, in a secret place. And, here's the kicker; half of what I pray for can only benefit other people.

I am tired. Good night. We'll see you later.

A party of American explorers once decided to explore the rich jungles of darkest Africa. They found a guide who spoke English to lead them through the most remote parts of the jungle.

As they piled into jeeps to drive to the start of their journey, the guide asked for their attention. "I have something VERY, VERY IMPORTANT to tell you. Here in darkest Africa, we have a very special bird. It is sacred, most sacred being in this part of the world. You must not disturb this bird, and if it lands on you, you must never brush it away. It is considered very bad luck if you do."

One of the explorers, incredulous, asked, "But if it lands on us, won't it just poop on us?"

"Sometimes," said the guide. "If it does, you must never wipe it off, for it is considered VERY, VERY bad luck to do so."

"What is the name of this bird, Guide?"

"It's name is difficult to pronounce, but you may call it the Fou bird."

The exploration party drove to the start of the journey, and everyone filed out of the cars, shouldering their backpacks and gear. They started to tromp through the jungles, marvelling at the strange plants and mysterious sounds they heard.

After an hour or so, a brightly-colored bird the size of a basketball landed on the lead explorer. The guy stood very still, but sure enough, the bird dropped a load all over his safari hat. It flew off, and almost immediately the explorer took his hat off, disgusted. He tried to clean the poop off as he walked. After five steps, he fell into a sinkhole that swallowed him up forever.

The rest of the party was a little rattled, but they decided to continue the expedition.

After another hour, a brightly-colored Fou bird landed on the new lead explorer. This one pooped all over the man's shoulders, soaking his kahki shirt with nastiness. Startled, the guy waved his hands and the Fou bird flew off. He wiped as much of the crap off him as he could, though it still had soaked through to his skin.

Ten steps later, he was bitten by a deadly green mamba snake. The party tried to save him, but he died almost instantly.

After about an hour, the explorers rounded a bend and came face-to-face with a beautiful waterfall. They noticed scores of brightly-colored Fou birds in the waterfall's pool, bathing and sunning themselves. They froze with fear, but the Fou birds flew up in a flock, startled, and shat all over the entire party of exlorers.

They were about to clean themselves off when the guide suddenly yelled, "WAIT! Remember what happened to the other two men! You must NOT CLEAN IT OFF until this day is out!"

Uncomfortably, they agreed. The party tromped back through the jungle, and at sunset, washed their crap-ridden khakis. No further misfortune befell the party, and the remaining men returned happily to America to share the story of their African adventure.

The moral of this story? If the Fou shits, wear it.

:D

Today, I read the Wikipedia entry for Fred Rogers and cried about his passing all over again.

It seems, from all the information I can find, that he was a genuinely good person. And it seems that there are so few genuinely good people in the world. It feels sometimes like we have to be aware that any person, given the opportunity, will take advantage of another for his or her personal gain.

I feel like self-sacrifice shouldn't be the exception, but the rule.

Have a good day today, and try and be good. :)

First post using Dasher!

It's a new text input program for Windows, Mac OS X, Linux and Pocket PC devices, among others. It's a very interesting thing, to be sure. I know I'm having fun with it, anyway.

It seems to have the potential to entirely eliminate spelling errors, and it actually feels a lot like playing a game when you're using it. Very strange, I can actually see myself using this with my touchscreen cell phone a lot, depending on how quickly I can get used to it.

Again, I'll throw up a more substantial post a little later, this was just too good an opportunity to pass up. Hehe.

Get dasher here.

-J

First post from the Wii!

Nintendo has advertised that one of the useful functions of the Wii Internet Channel web browser (Opera) was that you could read and update your blog from it; with the new system update, that just became a lot less painful, as now the Wii supports USB keyboards.

I'm typing this from a Microsoft Natural keyboard, in fact, and it's comfortable. :D I reccomend these things to everyone; once you get over the fact that the keyboard is split up, it quickly becomes the most comfortable keyboard you've ever typed on.

(I wonder how much leeway I have in a single text box here on Internet Channel?)

I'll throw up a more substantial post later, but I wanted to give this a shot just to see what it was like. :) With the Wii remote functioning as a mouse, the ability to use a real, full-size USB keyboard, and Flash animation/game support, this thing is almost a full Internet device. :)

savedR out.

I have such a problem socializing.

Although it seems I can be so wordy online, I have such a problem truly socializing in any context. My natural response to friend requests is that of extreme caution. I often ignore everyone who comes my way, and I can't figure out why.

Maybe it's just because I don't want to get hurt. Why would I be so afraid of that? Who could really hurt me online?

Maybe it's because I don't want to let anyone down. But how does that fit with the fact that I let people down all the time? I'll constantly say I'll be somewhere, then not show up. Why?

Am I that supremely delicate, that I can't take the kinds of bruises everyone else seems to live through online?

I understand not being able to socialize in real life; I've had 25 years to get comfortable with that particular quirk. I can't talk to most people, male or female, in any kind of normal fashion most of the time. I'll get so anxious that I mutter nonsense syllables in place of English, then beat a hasty retreat, leaving my would-be conversant there in a confused haze. "That guy is just weird. He's so quiet!"

And I am quiet, but not around my wife, the only person I really trust in this whole world. She remarks all the time how she'd love for people to see how I really am, how I am around her; she says they're missing out. So sweet of her. :)

But that's not what puzzles me, there are plenty of shy people in this world. What really gets to me is my total inability to make any kind of tie with anyone else online, in this vast, anonymous bastion of randomness. No one knows who I am, no one cares who I am, yet I keep my online identity squeezed so close to my chest that my figurative arms are going numb. And I've been like this for a long, long time.

There has to be a balance between accepting every friend request (in whatever form) and where I am now.

It's just funny to me, that someone who aches for people to remember him as badly as I do to so effectively and completely shun every attempt at contact.

I'll make a pact with myself right now: if anyone does start to notice me in any real context, I won't retreat, I'll throw myself out to them. If I ever to procure any kind of fanbase (cherish the thought), they'll get every opportunity I can give them to reach me personally. I want to be responding to forum threads, I want to email people back, I want to do online chat sessions (even rediculous, sponsored ones).

Here I am at 25, and I want people to listen. But I don't know anymore what I'd say.

Whoops, the lastest version of iTunes doesn't work with Vista at all! Thanks, Apple. This inspires confidence on my side; confidence in your product. Shouldn't you take down the little "For Windows XP and Vista" text blurb on the iTunes download page?

This is customer service.

When I was in high school, a junior in high school to be exact, I purchased a copy of Chiara's zMUD, or Zugg's Mud Client, a client program you use to play several (thousands) of online text-based (no graphics) MMO's. For a little more on MUDs and clients, look here.

I'd paid full price for it, in an era where stealing software was still pretty chic. It's also probably the first purchase I'd made online, and definitely the first purchase I made for downloadable software. I told myself it was a good investment because, among other things, since I'd actually purchased a serial key, I could be a bit more free with the number of PCs I had the program installed on. I could keep it on my mom's and my own, and if I ever moved, I wouldn't have to worry about losing the disc and my whole purchase. Since I'd purchased a license key for a program with a free 30-day downloadable trial, as long as I kept the key I could always redownload it in the future, plug my key in, and instantly have a full copy again.

That was seven years ago. I kept 3-4 email addresses at that time, one of which was tied to my mom's long-defunct ISP dial-up account, and two others so old I can't remember them or log in at all. :) Ah, the perils of a long history on the Internet.

On a whim, for a long shot, I went to zuggsoft.com; it was still there, and they've got a brand-new client for Vista (cMUD, check it out). Just for the heck of it, knowing there'd be no way I'd get a response (it had been far too long, you see), I submitted a support incident to the customer service department. I gave them all the old email addresses I could think of, my old billing address, and I knew that I'd surely get some kind of canned response back, something like "I'm sorry, but we can't help you without a valid email address and password".

Three days later, Chiara himself emailed me.

"I found you!"

Thanks, guys. Thank you so, so very much. This means so much to me, and I'm going to tell everyone. :)

The Amazon Unbox section’s search and category listing needs two things very, very badly.

1. Sort by release date. When I go to my local video store, they have a whole wall of New Releases. I don’t have to turn each box over and check the release date, I know that if it’s on that wall, it was made within at least like a year of today’s date. Amazon Unbox has absolutely no function to sort by this (that I could find in 30 minutes of trying, anyway, and I’m pretty web-savvy). When I click Movies, To Rent, and Action, and sort by New Arrivals, The Neverending Story (released in the 80’s) shouldn’t be number 15 on the list. The closest thing I could find to this kind of a listing was the flash applet on the main Unbox page, and it displays a maximum of like 12 movies; I know for a fact more than that have released so far this year. Please add in a Sort by Release Date, so you can compete with every video rental store ever (but with the added convenience of digital distribution).

2. Categorize by language. If I click on Movies, To Rent, and Comedy, then sort by Newest Arrivals, the first 15 movies are fully Spanish-language. I understand that they probably all got added at once, but this is still very, very frustrating to me; I have almost zero interest in renting a Spanish-language only movie I’ve never heard of, and I certainly don’t need that to be the only language I can choose from on the first page of listings. I understand that Amazon has to cater to a broad audience, and I absolutely applaud you for that; my local video store doesn’t even have a Spanish section. But please give us the option to filter out movies in languages other than our own, just for convenience’s sake.

Thanks very much! As you can tell, I’m quite frustrated by this; these two problems have rendered Amazon Unbox completely useless for me for tonight’s movie viewing, and rather than use up some of my remaining $15 credit, I’m going to have to go to my local video store tonight for a movie. If you fix this, though, I promise you I’d rather spend money with your service. J

-savedR

I am so haunted sometimes by the question of whether or not we exist after death.

I mean, I am a committed Christian, so I have the answer to this riddle. But that doesn't stop the fear from overcoming me sometimes.

To think, to be so close to death.. I was reading people's last words from some website, I can't find it now.

It seems so scary to me. Everyone who is now alive is going to die. There are deaths every day, perhaps. Each should be a monumental event.

I mean, it seems almost silly. I am alive at this moment. I am alive, and I know I am alive. I sit in this chair, I type at this keyboard. My mind produces these words; I can hear my own voice in my head as I type. I am sentient, in every meaningful definition of the word.

But there will come a time when I am not sentient, when my body dies.

What will it be like? What is the division between body and soul? Is the soul a cleverly-constructed front? Or is that personality?

How does the mind work, exactly? How do we decide to do what we do? Because, if it is a front, if it's all just the beautiful operating complexity of an exquisitely-complex organ, then what loss is there when we die?

If there is no soul, we lose nothing in death. (Or we lose everything, depending on your perspective.) That person ceases to be, but his or her value lies only in the relative uniqueness of their facade. You might argue that the good someone does gives them value; their value can then be judged on the likelihood that they will do something good at any given moment. Their value can be boiled down to a figure of probability.

When the soulless person dies, the world loses almost nothing. Merely a personality that has suddenly ceased to exist, a good-doing potential that is quieted. We can debate the value of different personalities, and we can argue that the highest percentage of good-doing is the most worth saving, but it is a moot point as death happens to everyone anyway. There is little "saving" that can be done; it is an inevitable part of life that everyone dies. Therefore, our discussions of the value of persons must always include the fact that at some point they will cease to exist, and on that basis it is difficult to argue that any one person is worth the effort to save.

When the soulless person dies, he loses everything. Everything he has ever been is wiped away, only to survive haltingly in the memories of those who have happened to witness him. His life, lived mostly in secret (many of us are alone for large portions of the day), is gone forever, and no one will ever know the full extent of it. His consciousness is gone, never to return; he is utterly and entirely wiped from the face and memory of the earth. There might be buildings built in his name, ordinances that carry his signature, people who remember him, but his own existence, every bit of himself that matters to himself, is lost forever.

But what if that person has a soul? If the soul exists, when the person dies, he has lost nothing; he remains sentient afterwards. He has merely divorced his metaphysical being from his physical one; he continues onward, probably even keeping his personality and memory (as sentience is tied with memory; organisms that remember nothing can hardly be sentient). He has a new world to contend with, to be sure, but he does not end. And since everything we know about souls asserts that they cannot be destroyed, he will continue to exist forever. In this scenario, death for him is merely a momentous event, a turning point in the ever-lengthening saga of his life. A transition, and nothing more, as is often said.

When the soulled man dies, the world loses most. Though he continues to exist, he cannot communicate with the world of the living in any reasonable fashion, as our experiments have ascertained; the world of living people can no longer benefit from interaction with him. Any good that he is able to do is truncated, as he is no longer able to interact physically with the world. He is not hurt by this, except maybe in the emotional sense, but the world itself has lost the interaction and potential of another human.

So, like, it seems silly and frivolous for humans to survive without souls. It benefits them nothing and the world almost nothing to die with no soul. But, if we have souls, there is glory in death. There is loss for the rest of the world, our lives mean something.

Your creativity is about to be tested.

Please find me.

Yesterday morning, I sat and watched the Ren & Stimpy channel on Joost. I noticed some things that might be helpful to those of you that haven't had the experience of playing with Joost yet.

(Speaking of which, if you DON'T have an invite, comment here or email me and I'll send you one as soon as I get them, until I run out.)

It seems sometimes that the channels are a bit rough getting started. Because Joost is peer-to-peer, this is to be expected; if you're used to TV alone, though, it can be a bit jarring to find the odd one-second pause. That being said, Joost has one HELL of a leg up on RealVideo. Video is smooth, and once you get going, even more so.

I was watching R&S, which breaks down into something like 30 minute episodes. About halfway through, a commercial is aired, which seems pretty short; if I had to guess, I'd say 30 seconds was about the max. Now, again, if you're used to watching DVD seasons or downloaded video, this can be kinda jarring; it seemed to come at odd points, points that weren't really between episodes or good "commercial break" spots, which makes it a bit odd. But when you compare it to network TV (a good 3-4 minutes of commercials every 8 minutes?), there are barely any commercials at all. (In fact, at times I saw a very small 1-inch overlay on the bottom right corner of my screen, totally not obscuring my view; I wonder if this took the place of interspersed commercials at times.)

When you compare Joost to TV, Joost wins, and probably would do so even if there were a monthly charge for it. The problem, I would think, is going to be getting people that are used to DVD season viewing and torrent-downloaded videos to warm up to the idea of interstitial ads. (Being able to start any episode on any channel at a moment's notice would be enough for those who torrent anime; would you rather watch that episode of Ikki Tousen on Joost right now, or let the torrent download all night tonight first and watch it tomorrow?)

I'm pretty happy with it, and to my own surprise, I'm watching it more and more. And I think that's what's really going to set Joost afloat and keep it going; it's just as addictive as TV, with much less ad content.