Dread

 I'm grappling with what is literally existential dread, I think.

I have a medical device implanted that makes me a cyborg. Which in a sense is RAD. But, in another sense is a worry, because that device can break down and stuff or malfunction. Which it never really has, they've had to tune the programming on it, but they've basically got it down, and it's been trouble-free for me for years. And it literally keeps me alive; if I didn't have it, I would pass out, and it feels like only a few of those before I could die from it. 

So you've probably guessed the exact nature of it, making all this I'm doing to hide the specifics useless! But I tried, kind of.

I've got a procedure in the morning, and I'm scared.

I am trying to look away from the idea that I might not come back. Something might go wrong, they might pull something a little too far and cause a bleed that they can't easily go fix, or can't fix at all, any number of things could go wrong, and in the end, they're very sorry, they're so sorry for our loss, but he didn't make it. 

But I've been thinking of things like, what if I don't come back, what all does that mean. 

I've been trying consciously to avoid things that, in retrospect, will be especially poignant if I don't. I don't want to leave behind 'famous last words', or give anyone I leave behind any reason to hurt later. It will already hurt more than enough, I don't want to leave any weapons lying around that people who will be hurting can use to hurt themselves with even more. Especially, I don't want people to say, "it's like he KNEW."

That's something I want to say here: I didn't know. I'm writing all this because I'm afraid it could happen, and it's a very real possibility that it could happen, so I'm trying to be a little proactive, or at least just witness the fear, I think. Maybe that's a reason I'm writing & publishing this, on a blog no one will read, but they could, it's online at least.

It's a pretty lonely place to think about all this stuff. And also, to deliberately not tell the people I'm closest to because I don't want them burdened with it, or to think about it, anything that might hurt them.

I love them. 

Just in case something does happen, I love you both so much. You are the most important things in my whole world, even if I haven't always made you feel like you are. You Are. I love you both so much and I will never stop. And I'll see you when you get here: there is no way all this creation was not made on purpose, and I have to believe I'm Somewhere if I'm not there. I do believe it. I tell you explicitly, I do believe there's a God, and that He told us about Himself, and He was truthful. I love you so, so much. You know that He and I love you and want you to live as hard as you can. 

I LOVE YOU.

-Jeff